Should
Choice of language in life, and in the coaching or supervision room, is of critical importance.
As I was exploring shame for a thesis a couple of years ago I kept coming back to how the word ‘should’ is prevalent in our language and how it can damage our relationship with ourself and with others. It seems to me that it can easily come across as judgemental or critical, particularly if it's used to tell someone what they ought to do without considering their individual context or preferences.
In my coaching I tell people that I aim fully to avoid its use and that this tells us/them something about how I set out to coach.
In my inclusive leadership sessions I have been known to invite delegates to “come and kick me” if they hear me use the word. When encouraging people to be at their best as inclusive leaders the last thing anyone needs is a lecture.
It’s also my least favourite word in the supervision room. For me, it brings in all manner of judgement, assumption and can provoke an emotional response:
“Certain words increase emotional distress ... one of the biggest culprits is … “should.” When individuals experience “should” in their thoughts, it produces an emotional state associated with a demand to achieve extreme standards or ideals. The emotional consequence is likely to be guilt, frustration or depression. When directing their “should” thoughts toward others, individuals are likely to feel anger and resentment.” (Ballantyne, 2017)
We frequently aim it at ourselves, in which case my question might well be “whose frame of reference leads to this obligation?” We know that ‘should’ can create that sense (obligation) in our minds so it perhaps makes sense to challenge it:
Where did I get the idea that I should do this?
Do I want that source to be influencing my work or life?
Does the action align with my values ?
Does it make sense to prioritise this particular obligation right now?
I would argue that the same applies to experiencing ‘should’ from others, from their supervisor perhaps, and that it really can provoke shame. ‘Should’ is based on other people’s expectations and aims to drive action based, at least in part, upon guilt or shame.
Worse, it implies that there's a correct or best way to do something, potentially limiting creativity or exploration of available options.
So how do we avoid it? What replaces a word which, for some, is actually quite insidious?
My preference is “you might choose to…”
Or “you might like to consider…”
Or just “one of your options might be…”
Or “it’s possibly a good idea if you…” if there is a need for a more normative comment.
Neutral. Leaving agency with the other person. Free of judgement – real or perceived. The language of an ally not an instructor or judge.
You don’t need to be a coach or supervisor to think more carefully about your language.
I’d invite leaders, parents, teachers, everyone to think about removing the word from their vocabulary.
Reference
Ballantyne, B. S. (2017, October 31). A protocol for ‘should’ thoughts . Retrieved from Counseling Today: https://ct.counseling.org/2017/10/a-protocol-for-should-thoughts/